“We Need to Synch Our Agile Framework with Our Projected Workflow”

Okay, listen up.
I don’t know what you just said.
Am I getting axed?

---

“We’re a Family”

Shut up shut up shut
up shut up shut up shut up
please shut the fuck up.

Honest Office Haiku For The Impending Recession

“I Can’t Find It”

Did you look for it?
Did you really look for it?
Did you even try?

---

“Don’t You Want to Have Kids Someday?”

And wreck my body,
my finances, and my life?
No thank you, Susan.

Honest Haikus For Women

Dry January: Good luck with this one! That wine’s going to look real nice after your pharmacy vaguely says you’ll see your meds “sometime in the next few months.”

20 New Year's Resolutions to Try While You Wait for the Adderall Shortage to End

8. Charging for alternative milks

9. Working at that job that is not only underpaying you, but also making you come into the office three days a week so you can sit in a cubicle alone and take all your meetings over Zoom while your VP works remotely

Other Things That Should Be Struck Down Instead of Student Loan Forgiveness

How did I listen to so much Taylor Swift? Why was I mainlining Red (Taylor’s Version) when I could have been listening to her 2006 eponymous classic, and audio treatise on the fleeting nature of adolescence, Taylor Swift?

The Seven Stages of Accepting Your Spotify Wrapped Results

*Mall Manwiches Mavailable Mas Mix-Minch Mor Mootlongs

Melcome mo mubway! A Subway subsidiary where everything starts with “M”!

6. You’ve run out of things to look at on your phone.

7. They give you someone else’s order.

8. You’ve had to spell your name at least three times.

Are You Ordering a Drink at a Crowded Bar or Picking Up Your Meds from the Local Pharmacy?

Millard Fillmore

Grande Caffé Vanilla Frappuccino. When the barista asks for a name for the order, he responds with, “Andrew Jackson sucks.”

--

Gerald Ford

Pays for Nixon’s tall milk and venti lemonade.

U.S. Presidents Order at Starbucks

If you are trying to reach me so I can attend another mundane, life-sucking zoom company happy hour, you can kindly turn around, leave, and throw yourself into the dumpster out back behind the office because I refuse to attend.

Auto Reply: OUT OF OFFICE: For the Rest of Eternity

“Mental Health Day PTO Request”

If it’s bad timing,
I can move this new breakdown,
and sob at my desk.

--

“How Are You?”

I super don’t care.
Oh, wow, another picnic?
Just murder me, please.

Honest Office Haiku

America likes to ask

I woke up today thinking it was Thursday, but it turns out it might be Tuesday. I’m not really sure because both of them start with a “T” and my alarm went off at 7:25 AM, which only happens on Wednesdays, so I am truly lost.

Hey, What Day Is It?

9:00 AM: While performing my morning hunting duties for small birds, I contemplate, again, the three men in my life. It truly takes up so much of my mental space, it’s no wonder I keep coming home empty-handed!

9:01 AM: Wait, am I just horny?

A Day In The Life Of A Female Lead In A Dystopian Novel

Crack.

watch as we fracture.
shards of a broken union
used as weapons and
knives

(get out)
(we don’t want you)

White for Suffrage, Red for Riots

I can feel the panic rising in your breath, hear you moan and groan as you quickly turn on the car and switch you AC to full blast. Only to find that I am full of hot air.

ejknapp

Selected work